There are a lot of polyamorous relationship myths out there. As someone who identifies as polyamorous, I know firsthand that people make a lot of assumptions about polyamory.

People have said things to me like, “you’re settling for less than you deserve.” Because not being the only one must mean that I am undervalued and tossed the scraps, right?

What I’ve come to realize is that most people struggle with concepts that cause them to doubt what they believe is right. But just because someone chooses something that you wouldn’t want does not make them wrong. Nor does it make you right.

So I want to debunk some of the most popular polyamorous relationship myths.

1) It’s all about the sex

As much as I like sex, it’s not the most significant part of my relationships. Polyamory is not an endless orgy. Not that there is anything wrong with that if you’re into it.

My relationships are centered around connection, more than sex. Sex just happens to be one of the ways that I connect with my partners. Yet and still, my sex life is remarkably average. I don’t need to meet anybody new to get fucked, which is why hooking up is not my thing.

And in case you’re wondering, I am not in a triad. I am in two separate relationships, which do not include threesomes. I have never had a threesome before.

Polyamory, by definition, is about having the capacity to love and relationship with more than one person, which may or may not include sex. There are plenty of people who are both polyamorous and also asexual. Some poly relationships have a lot of intimacy, but no sex at all. Just as many monogamous relationships do not include sex, sex is not required to be in a poly relationship.

Polyamory is also not indicative of sexual adventure. Being polyamorous does not make me sexually available to anyone who comes along. For me, sex is better when I have developed a connection with the other person. This is my personal preference and has nothing to do with my chosen love style.

2) Polyamory is a cesspool for STI’s

People in polyamorous, or consensually non-monogamous relationships, often practice safe sex religiously. Research suggests that consensually non-monogamous people are much more conscientious about protecting themselves and their partners than people assume.

“Although consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) relationships are presumed to be far riskier for partners’ sexual health compared with monogamous relationships, the disparity between them may be smaller than assumed. A growing body of research finds that many partners who have made monogamy agreements cheat, and when they do, they are less likely to practice safe sex than CNM partners.” — The Journal of Sexual Medicine

My partners and I get tested several times a year. And we share our results. We have open communication about sex, consent, and safety — often. There is no haranguing or convincing involved. We take health seriously and behave as such.

One-off testing is not enough. Safe sex is about open and continuous dialog, routine testing (and sharing results), and using protection. STI prevention just makes sense, no matter the style of the relationship.

3) It’s exhausting

If you struggle to build a healthy relationship with one person, do you think it’s easier with multiple people?

Relationship building takes work, period. There are no shortcuts. Being with more than one person doesn’t make it less work. Poly relationships require a lot of patience, an excessive amount of communication, and more self-reflection than I have ever done in my entire life.

But contrary to popular belief, maintaining multiple relationships is not exhausting. Keep in mind that not all relationships need or require the same level of time and attention.

While I communicate with both of my partners almost daily, the type of communication varies. I spend a lot of time talking about human behavior with one of my partners — which is a total mind-fuck for both of us. My other partner and I pretty much talk all day long, sharing life’s happenings, telling jokes, and poking fun at one another.

Engaging in poly relationships is no different than engaging in mono relationships, except there’s more than one happening at a time.

4) Jealousy never happens

That’s probably the biggest misconception of all. Jealousy happens in poly relationships too. Practicing an alternative love style does not make us less human. You might even say we’re more likely to get jealous, simply because there are more opportunities for jealousy to arise.

But in my experience, jealousy is an opportunity to self-reflect. When jealousy happens, I take the time to identify what’s underneath.

What am I afraid of?
What story am I creating?
What emotion am I really feeling?

And as a rule, I always sit with my feelings before addressing it with my partner. But when I do, I share the insecurities that are coming up for me, express my needs (if any), and ask for support. My partners meet my feelings with empathy, never shame. They give me the experience of being seen and heard, without invalidating what feels true for me.

But then there’s the compersion — which is excellent! I love it when my partners feel happy and joyful. I want them to experience pleasure and excitement. They deserve to feel desired and wanted. And I do not have to be the source providing those experiences.

One of my lovers is in a beautifully fulfilling marriage. I love the way he loves his wife! And I love her for loving him so well. My other partner has a lover that takes excellent care of him and a best friend who he is deeply intimate with (sans the sex). These connections nourish them and add to the fullness of their lives, without taking away from what we share.

Their other partners are not my adversaries; they are my allies. We are each collaborating on this work of art called life. And we all bring something different, not better, to the table.

5) There’s not enough to go around

I’m not in danger of running out of love. My heart has the capacity to love both of my partners profoundly and differently. Neither of them is deprived when I am spending time with the other.

I do my best to make sure that both of my partners feel loved and appreciated by me, all the time. That’s why I check-in with them regularly to make sure that they are getting what they need, rather than assuming that their needs are met.

The high level of communication and self-awareness that is present between my partners and me affords a deep level of intimacy. Each relationship holds space for vulnerability, transparency, and raw emotion. And there’s more than enough to go around.

Love is not a pie. You don’t have to divide it up into tiny slivers to make sure everybody gets their piece. There’s no need to function like love is scarce. Love is available in limitless supply to all who are willing to open their hearts and let it flow.

···

The things that are valued and important in monogamous relationships are the same in polyamory. We are committed to one another and honor our agreements — just like you. The only difference is there’s “more than two.”