If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that relationships matter. Now more than ever, more people are on a mission to build a good relationship with the one they love.
We have become more intimate with the concept of interconnectedness. Where you may have previously been blind to the way your relationships impact your life in the past — now you know better.
If you’re in a romantic relationship, you have either grown closer or farther apart as the world has shifted. Perhaps you have come to realize that your partner is someone that you want to be with for a very long time — or not. And if it’s the latter, you’re probably thinking about how to make things better (if at all possible).
Why is relationship building important?
Relationships give our lives meaning and a sense of purpose. Amassing things, ticking boxes, and even achieving goals can be fulfilling. But at the end of the day, it’s relationships that make life worth living.
When you have healthy, meaningful relationships with people who truly care about and understand you — everything else just falls into place. Whether it’s a friendship, romantic relationship, family bond or simply having positive connections in the workplace, relationships are key to sustaining happiness.
It’s not always easy to build good relationships — but it is possible.
How can you build a good relationship?
There is one significant thing that makes a relationship good enough to endure the long haul — the quality of the interest.
It’s not just about finding someone interesting — it’s about being interested. And not just any interest — the right interest.
The right interest requires effort and understanding. It doesn’t mean you need to spend every waking minute with the person or obsess over them — rather, it means investing the time and energy into getting to know them better.
You may have differences, but as long as there is mutual respect and understanding, it’s possible to build a connection.
A successful relationship is built on patience, communication, and compromise — not on unrealistic expectations or romanticized ideas of the perfect partner.
There are three critical questions that you should be asking yourself:
- What’s in it for me?
- What’s in it for them?
- What’s in it for us?
What’s in it for me?
Asking this question may seem selfish, but relationship-ing is not a selfless act. Even the purest of heart build connections with other people for a reason, primarily because of the way it makes them feel. And trust me, you’re not the exception.
So ask yourself, “what is the person bringing to my life?“
Before I began writing this piece, I pondered this question for myself. I thought back to the person I was before my relationship began and how far I have come since then.
The bliss and the yucky bits have evolved my character and softened my heart.
My lover’s views and perspectives are sometimes vastly different than mine, and that challenges my belief system in the most beautiful, and occasionally annoying, ways.
So what’s in it for me?
His interest and curiosity provide fertile soil for me to become more of myself.
Take your time to consider this question. Dive deeper than the surface stuff.
Epic dates and good sex is fantastic — but what else? How does being with this person shape your personhood? How are they contributing to your human-being-ness?
Go there.
What’s in it for them?
This question is still about you. In other words, “what do you bring to the table?”
Think about it.
Your partner has wants, needs, and desires just as you do. And while you are not responsible for making them happy, you should be actively making deposits into their emotional bank —and they get to decide if they want to spend it on happy, or not.
Awhile back, I asked my lover, “what makes you feel relaxed?” And he sat with the question for a few days before responding, “you do. I feel most relaxed when I’m with you.”
His answer surprised me. But he made it clear that that’s one of the things that he gets from our relationship. He has space to be his most honest self and feel all his feelings. He also gets the experience of being affirmed and desired. And most of all, he gets to be free.
You may be able to glean some of the things you bring to the table from the things your partner says and does, but the best way to find out is to ask. And then listen to what they have to say through judgment-free ears.
Photo by Jason Briscoe on Unsplash
What’s in it for us?
You bring something to their life, they bring something to your life, but the relationship itself is a separate entity.
Let me explain.
The relationship between you and your beloved is a container. Sort of like a mixing bowl, where each of you adds the ingredients to create the life you share.
It’s important to add ingredients that will produce your desired experience. For example, if you were baking a chocolate cake, you wouldn’t add broccoli. Well, it’s the same thing with your relationship. If you want to have a loving experience, it wouldn’t be a good idea to add bitterness, resentment, or power struggles to the container. But you won’t get it right all the time — and that’s okay.
The bottom line is, what goes in is what comes out. From this perspective, ask yourself, “what’s in it for us?” The answer lies in the ingredients that you add most often.
Whenever I feel triggered by something my partner says or does, I take time to process my emotions before responding.I do this for two reasons, (1) feelings are not facts, and emotions are. And (2) I want to make sure that my response is not retaliation. Because even when we disagree, we are still playing for the same team. I want to make sure that I am as loving as possible, even when I’m upset.
Viewing the relationship as a container will help you to be mindful of how you engage with your partner. When you add wholesome ingredients, you make happiness accessible.
These three not-so-simple questions will engage your curiosity and amplify your interest. Being attentive to yourself, your partner, and the relationship cultivates a healthy atmosphere where you can thrive as a unit. It also helps to keep the lines of communication flowing in both directions.
Good relationships don’t just happen; they take time and effort. But they are definitely worth the investment.
This post first appeared on Medium.com
