What is good sex?… I spend a good a lot of time pondering the complexities of human sexuality. There are a gazillion perspectives, tons of scientific research, and enough Cosmo articles to paper the globe twice, but at the end of the day, it’s all about understanding ourselves and each other.
We’re wired to connect and explore, but there are definitely some sticky bits when it comes to exploring our desires and expressing our love in ways that make sense. Barring the fact that we are fixated on the climax.
That’s our goal, right?
To come together when possible and reach the apex of all the pleasures —orgasm.
The other day, I conversed with a friend about what constitutes ‘good sex.’ My friend believes that if everybody comes, the sex is good.
But I respectfully disagree.
Don’t get me wrong, orgasms are incredible! They’re often accompanied by a euphoria that is nearly impossible to replicate. But orgasms are not needed to have good sex.
The focus on orgasm often takes away from the pleasure that can be derived from other sexual activities.
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It’s Not About the Destination…
We’ve been taught that good sex is a journey toward a common goal — finishing.
But what if I told you that that’s not always the case?
Sometimes good sex has nothing to do with coming at all. Instead, it’s about pleasure, connection, and feeling all the things regardless of whether you reach the finish line, or not.
Here’s why that matters:
For one thing, being a one-trick pony (coming) can take away from the pleasure you’re experiencing. If you’re fixated on coming, you’re not as present as you could be, which means you’ll likely miss out on the volume of pleasure your body is capable of feeling.
Enjoying yourselves and getting off is what matters, right? I think so.
So next time you’re getting busy, try to focus less on coming and more on enjoying the ride.
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The two things that make sex good
There are two things that make sex muy bueno: mutual satisfaction and respect.
If both people involved in the sexual encounter are satisfied with how it went down — whether or not they reached orgasm — then it was good. And if everyone feels respected and valued, then it was better than good.
Remember that every person experiences pleasure differently. What might feel good for one person might not do much for another. As such, it’s important to communicate what feels good and what doesn’t. This way, you can ensure that you’re both getting what you want out of the experience.
In addition to communication, mutual respect is key to having good sex. This means respecting your partner’s boundaries, as well as your own. It means being present in the moment and focused on your partner, not letting your mind wander to other things. And it means being respectful of your partner’s body, as well as your own.
When all of these things come together — communication, mutual respect, and focus on pleasure — that’s when you can have truly great sex.
If you find yourself questioning whether or not the sex was ‘good’, ask yourself two things: are we both satisfied? Do we feel respected? If the answer to both of those questions is ‘yes’, then congratulations — you just had some damn good sex!
If you enjoyed this post, you’d love my Sex IRL substack, where I explore the different roles sex plays in a relationship. From embarrassing moments to awkward encounters, it’s an honest look at how we view sex and relationships. It’s not for everyone, but if you’re looking for some good edutainment, click here!
