We all have those little (or sometimes big) things that bother us. Maybe it’s how your partner finishes your sentences incorrectly or how they always seem to forget your birthday. Whatever it is, these pain points can often be the source of much relationship tension.
But did you know that these pain points can be a good thing?
That’s right; pain points can help improve relationships!
But before we get into that, let’s explore what a pain point is.
Various types of romantic relationship pain points
Several different types of pain points show up in romantic relationships. Some are pretty relationship-specific, so it’s impossible to touch on them all. But here are some common pain point categories:
Undesirable Habits
It’s not uncommon to be bothered by someone’s messy or undesirable habits. This can be anything from one of you chewing with your mouth open to forgetting to put the top back on the toothpaste. While these things might seem small in a single instance, they can become quite bothersome if they happen frequently.
Hurtful Words or Actions
Sometimes, the things our partners do or say can hurt us deeply. This could be something as seemingly innocuous as your partner making a joke about your weight or not being supportive when you’re going through a tough time.
Then there is nagging, which is often cited as one of the most relationship-damaging things that couples do to one another. I mean, who wants to hear someone telling them the same thing over and over (and over) again? Almost no one.
These are just a few examples of how hurtful or persistent fault-finding can come to be pain points in a romantic relationship.
Emotional Disconnection
Emotional disconnection occurs when we no longer feel emotionally connected to the person we love. This can happen for a variety of reasons, such as:
– You feel neglected
– One partner doesn’t feel like they’re being heard
– Neither of you feels seen
– One partner feels like they are being taken for granted
Emotional disconnection in a committed relationship can be terminal. When one or both people begin to feel emotionally distant, it can signify that the relationship is in trouble.
But don’t fret. Emotional disconnection can often be remedied with improved communication.
Physical Disconnection
Like emotional disconnection, physical disconnection can also be a relationship pain point.
Affection is essential in any healthy relationship, but sometimes, one person might crave it more than the other, which makes reciprocation (or lack of) a problem. Or sometimes, physical disconnection is the result of one person touching the other in a way that doesn’t feel good.
Physical disconnection is often the result of feeling emotionally disconnected. When we’re not feeling emotionally connected, we tend to pull away physically as well.
It’s not uncommon to experience different pain points in a relationship. If the pain points in your relationship fall into any (or all) of these categories —you’re not alone.
So now that we know what pain points are, let’s explore how paint points can make romantic relationships better.
Pain points are often the result of unmet needs.
Think about it, if you’re constantly getting annoyed by your partner leaving their wet towel on the bed, it’s likely because you feel your needs are unmet.
Maybe you feel like your space isn’t being respected, or perhaps you don’t like feeling like you should have to clean up after them constantly. Identifying what’s really bothering you can help you communicate your unmet needs.
When your needs go unmet for long periods, it can lead to resentment.
Let me tell you, resentment is a long-term relationship killer! It’s that feeling of being constantly put upon or like your emotions are not being considered.
If you feel resentful, it’s essential to communicate what’s going on. The other person may be unaware of how their actions are impacting you.
Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash
Pain points can improve relationship health.
Our pain points can signify something bigger going on in our relationship.
Maybe there’s a lack of communication, or maybe there’s a lack of intimacy. Whatever it is, addressing the discomfort can help improve your relationship.
We all have room for improvement, and relationship pain points can be a great way to identify those areas.
For example, if you find your partner’s messiness annoying, maybe it’s time to have a conversation about expectations around cleanliness.
Open communication around your frustrations is not about complaining. It’s about expressing your true feelings.
There is an unobvious gain to talking about pain points, aside from getting your unmet expectations out in the open. Being brave enough to share how you feel without assigning blame also gives your partner permission, to be honest about their feelings. And that’s a good thing.
Addressing pain points can help improve communication.
You might have already guessed, addressing pain points help you communicate openly and encourage mutual respect.
Addressing hot-button issues head-on can potentially shift everything!
And by head-on, I mean having a healthy, constructive discussion about how you’re feeling.
Discussions are very different from arguments because they’re meant to be productive and positive.
So, if you can address your concerns with your partner in a healthy way, your communication will improve, almost by default.
There is no need to read your partner’s mind.
When you and your partner feel comfortable expressing complicated feelings, you can develop a solution together. This can help prevent misunderstandings, minimize disagreements, and thwart any ideas about needing to be a mind reader.
Intimacy takes effort.
While it may seem counterintuitive, addressing pain points can increase intimacy.
Why?
Because when we’re able to discuss our needs with our partners openly, we’re also opening up the lines of communication. This can help foster a deeper connection and ultimately lead to healthy relational behavior.
Discussing what makes you feel bothered and frustrated with your significant other can make you feel vulnerable. But by doing so, you create an opportunity for intimacy.
Photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash
Hard conversations are always uncomfortable.
I have never had a complicated conversation that wasn’t uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean they’re not worth having.
It’s crucial to be able to talk about the tough stuff to have a healthy partnership,
If you’re feeling dis-ease in your relationship, don’t ignore it. Talk about it with your partner. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.
Difficult conversations often lead to greater understanding, less stress, and more happiness.
Like me, you might have grown up in an environment where unpleasant things were ignored. Or even worse, maybe one or both of your parents tried to use the silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) to solve issues.
And now that you’re all grown up, you probably know that posturing and ignoring is not a healthy communication strategy.
The not-so-great stuff can lead you to a healthy partnership.
I have to be honest; pain points can be frustrating. But that’s why it’s important to remember that they can also be a good thing.
Most people shy away from conflict, but if you’re willing to talk about the things that bother you, you may be surprised at how much it can improve your mental health.
Can an unhealthy relationship become healthy again?
Yes, the relationship will change. Naturally, there will always be big ifs. An unhealthy dynamic can change if everyone is committed to overcoming the challenges through open, honest reflections and possibly professional support from a coach or therapist.
A gentle reminder…
Pain points arise due to unmet needs. Addressing your discomfort can help reduce stress, diffuse conflict, and lead towards greater intimacy in the relationship and increased connection between partners ultimately improving the overall health of your love life!
Repairing your relationship is not always easy, but it can be enriching when you work to strengthen the connection between each other.
Support is always a good idea.
And don’t be shy about seeking outside support. Overcoming the obstacles you’re struggling with can be challenging to do independently. A therapist or intimacy and relationship coach can help guide you and your partner through the process of making positive changes in your lives.
Acknowledging that you can’t do it alone is sometimes hard to admit. But it’s a relationship-building strength.
When we’re able to be vulnerable with our partner and seek support when we need it, we’re showing that we’re committed to the relationship.
Commitment without action is just a word.
Take the first step today by talking to your partner about something that’s been bothering you. Be mindful in your approach, so that they don’t feel attacked. Instead, focus on how you’re feeling and your own needs.
This type of conversation can be complex, but it’s an essential step in using assertive communication and making significant changes to eliminate red flags.
I know it’s not easy to talk about the tough stuff. But if you’re willing to put in the effort, your partner is likely to do the same. And that’s how relationships grow and improve.
If you’re not sure where to start, consider these five common pain points that are often discussed in healthy relationships:
1. Money
2. Time management
3. Sex and intimacy
4. In-laws and extended family
5. Trust
It can be helpful to write down your thoughts before you talk to your partner. This will allow you to organize your thoughts and stay on track during the conversation.
Once you’ve identified your pain points, set up a time to have a discussion, approach the conversation with kindness, respect, and patience, and be prepared to listen to your partner’s perspective.
Pause and take a breath
Don’t hesitate to pause the conversation if necessary. This will give you both time to calm down if things get heated.
The goal is to find a resolution that works for both of you. That way, you can address your concerns and make significant progress toward finding a healthy outcome.
If you’re not sure how to keep the conversation flowing, consider these questions:
1. What do you think is causing this pain point?
2. What needs are not being met because of this pain point?
3. What can we do to resolve this issue?
4. What can I do to support you through this?
5. What can we do to prevent this pain point from causing problems in the future?
Asking these questions can help you and your partner get to the root of the problem. You can start to brainstorm solutions that will work for both of you.
Easy solutions are not always possible.
It’s important to remember that addressing pain points and resolving conflict doesn’t always have easy solutions. The two of you may not be on the same page, but if you’re willing to listen and put in the effort, you can almost always find a way to improve the situation.
The key is to keep communication open and be patient with each other. It takes two people to build a healthy relationship, so working together is essential.
I hope this article has given you some helpful insight into how pain points can help strengthen the emotional connection between you and your partner.
Communication Support
Consider taking my communication course, ar·tic·u·late, if you need support but are not quite ready for intimacy and relationship coaching.
ar·tic·u·late will teach you how to effectively communicate with your partner so that you can resolve conflict and build a healthy relationship together.
Click here to learn more about the course.
