“True intimacy is a human constant. People of all types find it equally hard to achieve, equally precious to hold. Age, education, social status, make little difference here; even genius does not presuppose the talent to reveal one’s self completely and completely absorb one’s self in another personality. Intimacy is to love what concentration is to work: a simultaneous drawing together to attention and release of energy.” – Robert Grudin
I have come to know that sexual intimacy seldom happens when there is no intimacy before you get to the sex.
If you are in a relationship with someone cold and distant outside of the sack, they will likely be cold and distant before, during, and after sex. The same is true for dating.
I have heard many stories from people who felt that the chemistry shifted, and not in a good way after they had sex with someone. And when I ask what they were like before sex, they recall the person being tightlipped and protective. Or they felt like the person shared themselves generously. But this is where the confusion lies —sharing is not the same as being intimate.
Intimacy is about letting someone in
Just because someone is talking does not mean they are being intimate. Intimacy is more than words. It’s energy and action. Intimacy is a sensation, and intimacy cannot exist in the company of defense.
Intimacy-resistant people always play show and tell. They show their defenses in the way they hug (if they hug). They demonstrate their unwillingness to allow you in by the level of attention they give you.
Are they active listeners? Are they genuinely curious about you and others?
Someone who is not willing to be intimate will tell you. They will usually drone on and on about how busy they are. They often text instead of call. They may share highlights from experiences but not details. They will sometimes avoid direct questions, particularly if they have to do with feelings or emotions.
When you desire to be close, it can be easy to overlook the signs. And sometimes you see the signs clearly, but mistakenly believe that you are the exception.
Intimacy requires a level of vulnerability that not everyone is comfortable with. It is up to you to discern who to be intimate with, and you must decide if you are willing to be intimate even if the other person cannot (or will not) return in kind.
Sex and intimacy are not synonymous, and they do not always go together. Sometimes sex can result in intimacy. And sometimes, intimacy can result in sex.
Sexual fulfillment is often closely related to the level of intimacy for many people, myself included. For me, sex is infinitely better when I give a shit about the person and when I feel they give a shit about me. But here’s the caveat to that, I cannot expect someone to get close if I’m not willing to be close. And neither can you.
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Q’s for your consideration:
Can you be vulnerable enough to get close?
Are you willing to be a safe space for intimacy to blossom?
What story do you need to change to experience the intimacy you desire?
