The Cranberries once wrote a song about trying to hold on while the one you love is falling out of love with you. The lyrics go, “I’m sure I might be rude. But it’s just your attitude. It’s tearing me apart. It’s ruining everything.”
We’ve all been there. One day, our partner is loving, attentive, and present. The next day, they’re distant, seem to have pulled away, and are emotionally unavailable.
It’s like they’ve disappeared into thin air! And I have a theory about why this happens.
See, there are two types of emotional vanishing in relationships: the slow fade and the disappearing act.
The Slow Fade
The slow fade is when your partner becomes less and less available over time. The I love you’s become less frequent.
Where they were once eager to make plans with you, they appear to have less and less time for joint activities. Texts and phone calls start to go unanswered. And when you’re together, they may seem miles away and preoccupied. If you recognize these symptoms, it’s likely that you might be experiencing a slow fade.
The Disappearing Act
The disappearing act is when your partner suddenly becomes emotionally unavailable and pulls away from you out of the blue. Rather than a gradual change, there is a sudden and dramatic shift. One day they’re all in, and the next day they appear to be completely out.
Without warning, your partner seems to have time for everything but you. They might be working longer hours, taking on new hobbies, or spending more time with friends. Meanwhile, you’re left feeling confused and abandoned. If this sounds familiar, you might be in the midst of a disappearing act.
“When we say someone is emotionally unavailable, we mean that they are not comfortable feeling their own emotions, sharing emotions with others, or being present and responsive to someone else’s emotions” — Dr. Lindsay Jernigan, Clinical Psychologist
So why do loving partners emotionally vanish?
The short answer is it’s a normal part of a couple’s journey as they settle into everyday life.
Not exactly what you want to hear, I know. But the long answer is a little more complicated. Many factors can contribute to emotional distance in a relationship.
Expectations and all the things.
Our intimate relationships are the only ones in which we are simultaneously expected to be best friends, confidantes, and passionate lovers.
It’s a lot to ask of any one person, which is why emotional distance often surfaces in long-term relationships.
The good news is that emotional distance is usually not a sign that the love has gone. Instead, it’s more like growing pains that wax and wane, ebb and flow as we learn to maneuver through the complex landscape of intimacy and relationship-ing.
Renegotiating your expectations and roles, communicating your needs, and learning to love each other in new ways are all part of the process.
Does your partner have to be your shopping buddy?
Can you discuss work stuff with your friends?
Would it hurt to have regular dates with friends or family members?
You might be surprised how much better you feel if you widen your circle of expectations.
Life is a community effort. Every person in your life is there for a reason. And each relationship serves a different purpose.
So ask yourself, what is my partner’s role in my life? What is their purpose? When you take the time to define your partner’s role, it can help to alleviate some of the pressure you’re putting on them and your relationship.
Stress is a distraction.
When our partners are stressed, it can be challenging to focus on the relationship. They may withdraw and pull away as they deal with their problems and concerns.
Your partner’s stress response may be different from yours. Some people become more withdrawn and introspective when stressed, while others may become more agitated and aggressive.
The important thing is to remember that stress is a natural response to difficult situations. It’s not personal and doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love you or that the relationship is unimportant.
Try to be understanding and patient as your partner works through their stress. Offer support if they need it, but don’t take on their stress yourself. And make sure to schedule some quality time together when things have calmed down.
Conflict, changing views, and opposing beliefs.
Politics, religion, and money are often cited as the most common sources of conflict in relationships. But even minor disagreements can lead to emotional distance if they’re not resolved in a healthy way.
Couples who cannot resolve their differences peacefully are more likely to grow apart over time. This is because unresolved conflict leads to resentment, which can poison even the most vital relationships.
The key is to talk about your needs and expectations with your partner and to be willing to compromise when necessary.
Conflict is inevitable, but how you handle it makes all the difference.
It’s also important to remember that people change over time. What you believe now may differ from what you believed a year ago or even a month ago.
And your partner’s views and beliefs are also constantly evolving.
Space, hurt, unresolved old stuff.
Sometimes emotional distance is caused by the need for physical space. Healthy relationships include alone time and time spent together, and it’s important to respect your partner’s need for space.
If your partner is withdrawing because they need time alone, try not to take it as an insult.
Sometimes, past hurts or unresolved trauma can cause a person to build an emotional wall around themselves as a way of self-protection. If your partner withdraws because they’re hurt or afraid, your patience and understanding can go a long way.
It may take some time for them to feel safe enough to let you in again. In the meantime, focus on caring for yourself and giving your partner the room to heal.
Time keeps on ticking.
As we get comfortable and settle into a relationship, it’s natural to let down our guard and stop striving to impress our partners.
Your partner is not immune to the passage of time. You may have changed and grown throughout your relationship, and they have too.
While you may celebrate anniversaries and other milestones together, it’s easy to miss the little changes and subtler shifts that occur over time.
Sometimes, these changes make you feel farther apart from your partner than when you first got together. And sometimes, time is precisely what you need to get back on track.
If you’re feeling emotionally distant from your partner, try taking a step back and looking at the big picture.
Remember all the good times you’ve had together and the reasons you fell in love in the first place. If you can keep that perspective, chances are good that you’ll be able to weather this rough patch.
Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash
Healing and moving forward.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to bridge the emotional distance. You can’t force your partner to be more emotionally available, and you can’t make them change how they deal with stress or conflict.
The best thing you can do is take time for yourself rather than trying to fix the problem single-handedly.
This could mean grieving the decline of intimacy in your relationship and finding ways to soothe yourself emotionally. Or it might mean exploring your own needs and wants outside of the relationship.
Keep the lines of communication open. Make sure your expectations are realistic. And be patient as you navigate this challenging time —together.
You may be unable to make your partner open up if they’re not ready. But you can take steps to nurture your relationship and create an environment where openness and vulnerability are possible.
In short, there are several possible explanations for why a partner might become emotionally unavailable. It could be due to unresolved conflict, the need for space, past hurts or unresolved trauma, or simply because time has passed and they’ve changed.
If you’re feeling emotionally distant from your partner, it’s essential to take a step back and look at the big picture. Look back on all the good times you’ve shared and remember why you fell in love.
Everything that begins inevitably ends, including this rough patch in your relationship. So try to be patient and understanding, and continue caring for yourself as you work through it.
