I am a romantic at heart.
I love… love.
I love the way things smell. I love how food tastes, how colors pop, and the way the air feels… when I am loving.
I am reeeeeally good at loving. But I am still learning how to be loved.
When people love me I shrink.
My not-enoughness rears its ugly head and I begin to question the other person’s motive. I struggle to believe that it is possible for someone to feel deep feelings for me.
And when the love begins to feel too real I find a spot to pick at. Sometimes that looks like making a big deal out of something tiny. Or twisting an innocent comment into an intentional jab.
Being loved is frightening. Not because it’s a bad thing but because being loved makes me feel vulnerable.
Being loved shocks my nervous system. It’s visceral and unnerving. Being loved means believing that the other person accepts my flaws. It feels naked and raw.
In the past, I used to run from love. I made up stories about how long it takes to feel love. I created obstacles and hoops that I needed to jump through in order to be worthy of love. And I made it super hard for anyone who offered love to me. But then I discovered that I can’t love someone else well if I cannot receive love.
I cannot accept someone else’s heart if I am not willing to offer my heart in return.
You cannot love with a closed fist. tweet this
The universe is the essence of duality. To be a good giver, you must be a good receiver. And to be a good lover, you must be good at being loved.
I am very well loved. I am grateful for all those who risk their hearts to love me. And I am willing to keep my heart open and allow their love to flow into me. Even when I am scared. Even when I begin to make up stories about what their love means. Even when I am shrinking and hiding behind the hurt of the past.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
– Rumi
I am committed to unearthing the barriers that I have built to keep love out. I am devoted to becoming an awesome love receiver. And I am willing to be uncomfortable during the process.
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