When my partner and I first met, I struggled to put both feet in the relationship. He was kind and responsible, and he was impeccable with his word, but he had an avoidant attachment style. Aside from that, he was everything I had hoped for in a partner.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about how different we were.

His default mode is busy, while mine is relaxed. I liked to talk through problems, and he was programmed to avoid conflict at all costs. We had differing opinions about politics, religion, and social issues. In other words, we were on completely opposite ends of the spectrum.

In several past relationships, I had a secure attachment, but with him, I found myself experiencing anxious attachment. It was frustrating because I knew that I loved him, and he loved me.

So why couldn’t I just lean in and be in the relationship?

I eventually came to realize that our different attachment styles was making it hard to get close. His avoidant tendencies caused me to revert back to the anxious attachment I experienced in childhood.

We’ve all been there before. You meet someone and think, “This could be the one.” But then, as time goes on, you realize you’re incompatible. It’s easy to blame yourself or the other person, but the truth is that compatibility is more complex than that.

Compatibility is a cocktail

We are all a mix of different personality traits, and those traits interact with each other in complex ways. In any given relationship, there are going to be some things that work and some things that don’t. The key is to find a balance between the two.

Think of it like a cocktail. The perfect drink is a mix of different flavors that come together to create something greater than the sum of its parts. In the same way, the perfect relationship is a mix of different personalities that come together to create something greater than the sum of its parts.

When you find yourself in a compatible relationship, it’s like you’ve found your perfect cocktail. The flavors come together to create something that is both delicious and satisfying.

Incompatible relationships, on the other hand, are like a not-so-delicious cocktail. The flavors clash, and the result is something that is both unpleasant and unsatisfying.

Attachment styles are a key ingredient in the compatibility cocktail. Your attachment style is a way of describing your emotional needs in a relationship.

There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.

Secure attachment is when you feel comfortable trusting and being close to your partner. You’re not afraid of intimacy, and you don’t need constant reassurance that your partner loves you.

Anxious attachment is when you tend to be clingy and needy in a relationship. You need constant reassurance that your partner loves you, and you’re always worried that they will leave you.

Avoidant attachment is when you tend to keep your distance in a relationship. You’re afraid of intimacy, and you often find yourself pushing your partner away.

All three attachment styles are normal, and we all have a mix of different attachment styles. However, our primary attachment style is usually the one that dominates our relationships.

There is one additional attachment style that I should mention, disorganized attachment. Disorganized attachment is a mix of anxious and avoidant attachment, and is usually a result of neglect, trauma or abuse.

Every attachment style is formed in early childhood, and it’s based on the way your caregiver related to you.

If your caregiver was supportive and responsive, you will likely have a secure attachment style. However, if your caregiver was unresponsive or unavailable, you’re more likely to have an insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized).

How your attachment style affects your relationships

Your attachment style not only affects the way you relate to others, but it also affects the way you’re perceived by others.

People with a secure attachment style are typically seen as more trustworthy and dependable, whereas people with an insecure attachment style are often seen as needy or clingy.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take this quiz to find out.

Now that you know your attachment style, it’s time to learn how to increase compatibility with anyone—regardless of their attachment style.

1. Be aware of your attachment style.

The first step to increasing compatibility with anyone is to be aware of your own attachment style. Once you know your predominant style, you can work on making conscious changes to the way you interact with others. Do you tend to get clingy or push people away when things start to get serious? Are you afraid of commitment? Answering these questions honestly will help you understand your patterns in relationships and give you a better idea of what areas you need to work on.

2. Communicate openly and honestly

Communication is key in any relationship, but it’s especially important when two people have different attachment styles. That’s because miscommunications are more likely to happen when each person is coming from a different place emotionally.

So if something bothers you or if you’re feeling insecure, talk to your partner about it instead of bottling it up inside. The more open and honest you can be with each other, the better your chances of making the relationship work long-term. 

3. Be willing to compromise.

The third and final tip is to be willing to compromise when it comes to relationships. If you’re used to getting your way all the time, it can be difficult to make compromises with another person—but it’s important to remember that relationships are built on give-and-take. If you’re always focused on getting your own needs met, it’s likely that your relationships will suffer as a result. Instead, try to focus on finding a balance between meeting your own needs and supporting your partner’s needs as well.

Conclusion:

If you find yourself in the same disappointing dating pattern repeatedly, it may be time to take a closer look at your attachment style.

By understanding your default style and making some conscious changes to the way you interact with others, you can increase compatibility with anyone—regardless of their attachment style.

Just remember to be mindful of attachment style and behavior patterns, communicate openly and honestly, and be willing to compromise. With a little effort, you may find yourself in a happy and healthy relationship with someone who complements you perfectly.