I get cold when I’m scared.I shut down and clam up.
I look mean.
I don’t make eye contact.
I bark, gripe, and complain.
The people who love me have seen this woman, cold and callous. They have been in the same room with her frigid energy and tight jaw. They have experienced the wrath of her bitch talk and emotionless expression. They have weathered far too many seasons enduring her awfulness, yet they love her still.
I hate it when she invades my body and pretends to be me. I can’t stand the way she constricts when I want so desperately to expand. I plead silently while she tightens her grip on her perceived reality. I passively struggle while she sits on top of me trying to force me to be still. She’s scared shitless, but she’s pretending to be strong.
I don’t like her very much.
She steps in when she thinks I can’t handle it. She’s the one who “puts up” when we should walk away. It’s always her idea to stick around well beyond the expiry date. She believes that stopping and giving up are the same thing. She doesn’t forgive or forget, holding onto the past is her specialty.
What she really needs is a hug.
This woman, the other woman, would love to take over my life. She thinks that she’d be better at it than I am. She would like to disconnect from potential threats… which is basically everything. There would be no true relationships, only casual exchanges. No risks. No adventure. She would play it safe. She would stay comfortable.
I don’t want to be her.
Life is precious, I know this. There are so many things I want to do. So many versions of myself that I have yet to meet. I can’t play it safe and I can’t be comfortable. I must keep moving. I must press on. Even if that means getting my hands dirty and my heart shattered. I don’t want to regret the dreams that I didn’t pursue, the love I didn’t allow, or the chances I didn’t take.
She is not as tough as she thinks.
She won’t leave, I’ve asked. But I’m stronger than she is. My voice is louder. My personality is bigger. And my heart is fiercer. She can stay, if she wants to, but she’s gonna have to be quiet. I have a life to live… and I won’t let her get in the way.