I have been experiencing a lot of resistance lately. Not in the form of tangible obstacles, more like an internal tug o’ war.
I’m certainly not a resistance newbie, quite the opposite actually. I happen to be a resistance veteran. I have been engaged in a three-way struggle between reality, desire, and procrastination nearly my entire life. But somehow it’s different this time… awareness will do that to you.
For the first time ever, I recognize that the very thing I am resisting is the essence of everything that I most want – to be myself.
Out-of-the-box-ness
I have never had any trouble being in my own skin, at least not in previous incarnations. My mother can attest to my out-of-the-box-ness. As a child, she gave me the freedom to express myself in whichever way it appeared. She didn’t try to restrain the colorful elementary years, dark stages of middle school, or the rebel phase of high school. From the very beginning she recognized that I marched to the beat of my own drum and she let me. For that I am eternally grateful.
Now that I have ascended into my fourth decade, I must grant my own-self permission to be more of me.
Why the struggle?
I’ve contemplated this question for sometime. I would have loved for the answer to be more romantic, but it’s simple: I’m resisting joy.
Ouch!
Joy seems a natural choice right? I mean who doesn’t want to live an on-purpose, inspired, and joy-filled life? Of course I want that, more than anything. But in order to do that I have to be me…
Unfiltered
Unedited
Unadulterated
Wholehearted
True
Naked
Vulnerable
Easier said than done.
Why fear?
I’m scared to death of having everything that I want. There I said it (insert immediate relief). The fear is a byproduct of social conditioning. I mean, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is, at least that’s what they say. And I believed them.
Even now that I know better, the belief has left a nasty residue, and it’s all over me. Giving it a name and calling it what it is, shrinks it tremendously.
The nature of resistance
The fear isn’t going to go away, I know this. But I can practice courage everyday, until I make it a habit. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I recognize that resistance is a necessary component of change. Change cannot occur without it. While it may seem counterproductive, it’s actually part of the grand design. An airplane could never leave the ground without the strongest force known to man, gravity. The very thing that fights to keep an airplane grounded is the very thing that allows it to ascend.
Like an airplane, I’m ready to take off. Are you ready?