I’ve come to learn in my forty years of “infinite” wisdom that personal boundaries are vital. If you think you can get away without setting them or abiding by them for that matter, you’re dead wrong.
Although I have to admit, I am not in love with rules. In fact, I break them all the time, but the rules/laws are in place for a reason. Of course for the sake of this argument, I will admit rules and laws are usually pretty easy to follow. They’re typically laid out in a way that allows the average person to clearly understand what’s expected.
Red means stop.
Green means go.
Simple, eh?
But personal boundaries are a horse of a different color, and are not always as easy to discern.
For the most part, I’ve been pretty good about setting personal physical boundaries, but emotional boundaries, not so much. Although my personality is very strong, I also have a fairly soft center. So it’s not unusual for my mouth to say yes, when I really mean no…
“Hi my name is Stacey, and I suffer from the need-to-please disease.”
While I have gotten much better about this over the years, and I’ve even grown more comfortable saying no (as pleasantly as I possibly can), I still say yes more than I should. The problem with saying yes when you really mean no is the resentment that will inevitably follow.
See nothing can make you more resentful than taking on something when you really don’t want to.
Let’s analyze this for a moment, shall we?
Scenario:
So & So: I need to pick up a package from Mr. Big’s office by 5:30, but I have an appointment on the other side of town at 4:00pm and I’ll never be able to make it. Would you mind picking it up for me?
Yes ma’am: Well I have something to do at 6:00pm, so it might cut it a bit too close.
So & So: It won’t take long, 5 minutes tops. You’ll be in and out in no time.
Yes ma’am: I really don’t want to be late for my thing.
So & So: Don’t worry, you won’t. Thank you so much for doing this for me, I really appreciate it.
Yes ma’am: is puzzled because she didn’t exactly say yes, but she didn’t clearly say no either. So she begrudgingly goes to pick up the package. Mr. Big is longwinded, so it takes much longer than 5 minutes and not only is she late for her thing, but she got stuck in traffic, so she missed it altogether. Now she’s pissed off at So & So, but it’s not her fault, is it?
See the problem with resentment is its almost always misplaced.
You can’t blame someone else because you didn’t say no to begin with.
- No is a complete sentence – you don’t need to say anything else.
- No is just an answer to a decision you’ve made – it really is that simple.
- It’s not impolite to say no – there is nothing rude about declining a request, say it with a smile if it makes you feel better.
- You learned to say no before yes – that’s not an accident, children are very clear about what they want and what they don’t want.
- Guilt is normal – it’s okay to feel some kinda way about saying no, but do it anyway.
Three (3) things to remember:
- Your sanity is 1st priority. – Do what needs to be done in order to keep it in check. Burdening yourself with pleasing others is the fastest way to get yourself a Hug-Your-Best-Friend Jacket (a.k.a straight jacket). And FYI – it’s impossible to please other people (period).
- How other people deal with your boundaries is not your concern. – You are not responsible for how other people handle adversity. Their feelings are their business… not yours.
- You are a sovereign being – that means that you possess the ultimate power in your life. You are a soul experiencing a human incarnation for the solitary purpose of being yourself (whom you will discover and rediscover throughout the course of your life). Your personal power is yours and yours alone. Don’t give it away!
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