Are you a verbal processor?
You know, one of those people who needs to talk about their thoughts, feelings, and thoughts they have about their feelings.
Notice I said feelings and not emotions. We often use feelings and emotions interchangeably (like sex and intimacy). But they are not the same thing (like sex and intimacy).
So what’s the difference?
Emotions are a “felt reaction to a specific stimulus.” They let us know whether we feel safe, stable, or secure. Emotions are instinctive. They come from the gut (a.k.a. intuition). Emotions do not require thought.
Feelings are how we perceive our emotions. Feelings require thought. Our feelings come from what we think about the thoughts and actions that sparked the emotion in the first place. Make sense?
Once upon a time, they believed that there were only 5-6 human emotions. Scientists now think it might be closer to 30. In the big scheme of things, that’s a relatively small amount compared to our gazillion feelings.
Emotions, those raw, automatic responses that bubble up from the basement, don’t need our thoughts to validate their existence. They simply are.
Feelings are the stories we tell ourselves about those emotions.
Here’s where it gets interesting —and a bit tricky.
Processing feelings is vital —sometimes, but not always. Contrary to popular belief, we do not need to process all of our emotions. I’ll unpack that another time, pinky swear.
Feeling our feelings, however, is how we navigate our inner and outer landscape. And sometimes, that looks like sharing stuff with other people. More specifically, when it comes to our most intimate relationships, we often process our feelings with people who are not involved with what’s going on.
But, darling, there’s an art to the sharing process.
Sharing intimate details of your relationship (romantic or platonic) with a third party requires discernment.
This is the crossroads of vulnerability and responsibility. Where we must pause and consider the impact of our words on ourselves and those we invite into the circle.
Imagine the emotional whiplash for the person who becomes an unwitting confidant to the ebbs and flows of what’s going on between you and your boo.
It’s about more than getting stuff off our chests. It’s about the emotional labor we’re asking them to shoulder. They become keepers of our secrets, carriers of our heartaches, and sometimes, they’re left with the weight of our world on their backs.
As much as we crave to be seen, heard, and understood, we have to be mindful of our emotional footprints.
Best practice: Ask, “Do you have space for this?“
Check-in as a courtesy.
Check-in because it acknowledges the other person.
Check-in to bless the space.
Check-ins are how we make sure that our need to be understood doesn’t overshadow the emotional boundaries and needs of the other person.
Taking emotional responsibility helps intimacy flourish and flow.
Got it? Good.
Alternative ? Ways to Process
As a fellow verbal processor, here are some alternative outlets beyond confiding in someone or shouting into the ether that has worked for me:
- Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to process them. It’s a private space to be completely honest and uncensored.
- Voice Recording: Speaking your thoughts out loud and recording them can offer a similar catharsis to talking to someone. Hear yourself. Process. Keep your side of the street clean. ✓Check. ✓Check. And ✓ check.
- Creative Expression: Paint. Sing. Write. Pour your feelings out of your head and into whatever your thing is. Many a masterpiece was born of big volatile feelings. ?
- Movement: Moving your body is a great way to work through emotions and get clear. Dance, shake, run, or yoga that density right on out of your flesh.
- Meditation and Breath Work: Practices that encourage you to observe and accept without judgment are game changers. They lower blood pressure and regulate the nervous system, too!
Gentle Reminder ?
While it might seem acceptable to post vague memes or vent on socials about what’s going on in your relationship(s) —don’t be tempted.
There are more constructive and respectful ways to deal with feelings without unintentionally harming ourselves and others.
Try This:
Set aside an hour with a loved one this weekend for an uninterrupted ‘heart-to-heart.’
Turn off your phones, get cozy, and share three (3) things you appreciate about each other.
Gratitude is magnetic. Coupled with this simple activity, you can transform the environment of your relationship in one sit.
Try it. If it feels good, do it periodically. If not, don’t.
Before you go:
? Here’s a great video on the Vomit Journal Method:
? Rudy Francisco is one of my favorite spoken word poets. A couple of weeks ago, I went to Prince All-Night at a club in Hollywood. A guy seemed to be dancing next to my sister no matter where we were on the dance floor. I said, “I think that might be Rudy Francisco.” It wasn’t him… but here’s a short but sweet Rudy poem:
