My body is sensitive. I can feel everything, all the time. Of course I was not always aware that I could feel so much, because I learned how to numb out at a very young age.
Like most women, I was not encouraged to feel as a child. There were no conversations about emotions or why it was important to express them. Nobody told me that emotions were just energy in motion, or that this energy would show up in my body as feelings or sensation. I was not advised that unexpressed emotion can get stuck in my body and cause sickness and disease. All I knew was that I felt a variety of emotions all the time.
Happy. Sad. Indifferent. Excited. Anxious.
Sometimes I moved in and out of these emotional states fluidly and other times they would hit me like a ton of bricks. I often felt overwhelmed by my emotions. They would surge like the tide crashing down on my psyche hard and fast. The wave of feelings would flood my entire body and overload my senses. I could go from glee to tears in a matter of seconds.
Thank goodness puberty did not last forever…. but my period made sure that I did not forget what it felt like. I quickly learned to cope with these emotions by either not feeling at all or focusing on something else. Whenever my emotions threatened to gush, I would quickly divert my attention to feel something different. Anger was always the quickest way out. So bitch mode was my default setting for most of my young adult years.
I mastered the bitch mode thing by my early 20’s. God bless my ex-husband for not using his get-out-of-jail free card sooner. Having my daughter helped. Knowing that I have an audience that is not only watching me, but also emulating my behavior, made a huge difference.
Yes, I have ridden the swell of my emotions for 40+ years, and I still experience the ebb and flow. As I approach the portal to menopause, I already feel the ripples lapping at the shore. But instead of fleeing and/or numbing out, I plant my feet, square my shoulders, breath deeply, and lean into the abyss of emotion. I ride the stream until the flow slows way down, because resistance is truly futile. When I resist my feelings they just get bigger. Wavelets can quickly become a tsunami. But waves do not stay airborne, they must land, and the devastation is almost always more than I bargain for.
But that’s not all…
Emotions are not always brutal. They are also gorgeous and delicious. I have felt emotions so intense that there are no words to describe them. I have been so doped up on emotion that every cell in my body lit up like a christmas tree! I have experienced happy flutters that tickled my sanity and made me ponder walking away from everything I have known for the illusion of something better. I have been so content that I teetered on the edge of becoming comatose. I have felt joy so big that my body could barely contain it. Yes, it can get that good!
Giving myself permission to feel my feelings changed my life. (tweet this)
Deepening my connection with my body has allowed me to process emotion, instead of holding on. Knowing that I am not only free to express myself, but that in doing so I improve both my mental and physical health, has created space in my world.
My relationships are richer. I have walked away from the people and things that do not feel good. I have embraced desire and I dance with pleasure regularly. The yucks are part of the deal, but not the biggest part. Life is delicious + beautiful… but you gotta feel it to experience it.