Sometimes, I desire what hurts. 

The things that make no sense, that friends warn me against, things I know I should steer clear of. But desire has never cared about shoulds and shouldn’ts. It simply wants what it wants.

Desire ignores social norms and cultural expectations. It doesn’t give a flying f*ck whether your mother would approve. Or if what you’re longing for is reasonable.

Desire is illogical.

It’s the wild thing inside us that refuses to be tamed, categorized, or explained away. 

I’ve tried to want the right things, the safe things, the things they say I’m allowed to want. 

I have always found complicated ideas and people alluring. The stuff I should be too realistic to chase, too aware to crave, and too bright to risk.

In past lives, my skin would come alive at the wrong kind of touch. My breath would hitch at a glance from a mysterious and unavailable stranger. Oh, how the heat would rise within me like a furnace. 

The instinct to walk away has always been strong. But my ability to ignore it was even more potent.

The woman I was back then knew better but couldn’t do better. 

She would throw caution to the wind at the mere thought of experiencing the vibrancy of dysfunction.

Even now that I know better, sometimes, I still want what I shouldn’t.

The forbidden isn’t cloaked in a strange, seductive smile these days. It’s in the gentle touch of my lover, the steady gaze that truly sees me, and in a love that often feels too good to trust.

My desire is still illogical. 

Now, it yearns for the safety of consistency. 

It wishes to be cherished rather than chased. It longs to be seen instead of merely consumed.

And that terrifies me more than the fickleness of dysfunction ever did.

Love Blossoms, 2024 by Stacey Herrera

Desire is complex AND illogical.

It’s not just about reaching for what hurts. It’s also about reaching for what heals.

Allowing myself to be loved well and wanted by someone who wants me is hard sometimes.

I’m the first to admit I am much more comfortable longing than having.

All the years I spent dreaming about healthy relationships while courting dysfunction left their mark. They taught me how to dance with shadows. How to mistake intensity for intimacy. How to confuse longing with love.

These days, desire asks something different of me.

Not to chase but to stay.
Not to yearn but to receive.
To soften into warm hands that want to hold, not hurt.

How wild is that?!

After years of chasing confusion like a dog in heat, my wildest desire now is to be cherished.

I want to be loved for exactly who I am.

Believe me when I say – nothing will test your courage like letting someone cherish you. Nothing will challenge your comfort with chaos quite like choosing peace. Nothing will make you question your sanity, like accepting love that doesn’t hurt.

But maybe that’s the point.

Maybe desire was never meant to make sense.
Maybe it was meant to make us brave.

xo,

P.S. If you’d like to explore your relationship with desire, consider these:

– What feels too good to trust in your life right now?
– Was there ever a time when wanting something (or someone) defied all logic?
– What are you allowing yourself to receive that would have terrified you five years ago?
– What do you find yourself craving these days? Does that surprise you
– Where in your life are you still choosing longing over having?

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