Over the years, I have come to recognize the voice of shame. There is always a disclaimer that sets up the excuse, followed by a quiet negotiation with ourselves about what we’re willing to accept.
These conversations often happen in front of unwitting witnesses.
“He is better than he was. I mean, he’s growing and trying a lot,” she said.
I watched her eyes drop to her coffee cup, fingers tracing the rim. The quiet pregnant with the weight of every “but” I’d ever uttered in defense of someone’s bare minimum.
We’ve all done it. Constructed elaborate explanations for why Almost should be enough. Why reaching for more might be greedy. Ungrateful. Too much. But remember what Brandy said? “Almost Doesn’t Count.”
So why do we keep allowing Almost to have a seat at the table?
Could it be the fear of being alone? No, that can’t be it because lonely is all I ever feel when Almost strolls in looking all confident and plops its no-good ass next to me.
Here’s the thing about Almost – it demands constant maintenance. The mental gymnastics of explaining away disappointment. The emotional labor of lowering expectations. The exhaustive work of convincing ourselves that this is what we deserve.
Not Enough, 2025, by Stacey Herrera
See Almost measures itself from the floor, not the ceiling. It thinks acting like it’s doing more than Nothing is winning.
Choosing not to settle for Almost or their first cousin, Just Enough, is not cruel. It’s not a one uppance. It’s an act of self-love.
Of course, Almost has a rebuttal for that. “But baby, I love you. Can’t you see I’m doing the best I can for you?”
And there it is. The sweet poison of potential. The promise that tomorrow will be different. That trying counts the same as doing. That actions suddenly stopped speaking louder than words.
Everyone is doing the best that they can —even Almost. Their ten could be your two, but that doesn’t make it sufficient for you.
Needs don’t shift according to what’s available.
The most complicated truth isn’t recognizing that we’ve been settling. It’s acknowledging that we knew all along—every time we swallow our words, smile through disappointment or edit our needs to fit someone else’s capacity.
Omph…
Why are we so comfortable with less than we need? Less than we desire? Less than we deserve? When did settling become the rule instead of the exception?
Maybe it started small: a missed birthday, a forgotten anniversary, a delayed promise. Each instance created a tiny fissure in the foundation of our standards until “at least” became acceptable and “could be worse” became the norm.
We convince ourselves that acceptance is loving. And that may be true. But there’s a vast difference between accepting imperfection and normalizing neglect.
Forgiveness is something we offer to ourselves. And in love, everything is welcome. But acceptance is not agreement.
You can forgive them for coming up short. You can love them where they’re at. You can even accept that what they give is all they have. But you do not have to agree to take it.
The real question isn’t whether they’re doing their best. It’s whether their best aligns with what you need to thrive. Not just survive. Not just make do. Not just get by.
Almost will never be enough. You cannot “make a dollar out of fifteen cents.”
Spinning our wheels to figure out why they won’t try harder is a colossal waste of time. Our time and attention would be better spent figuring out why we settled in the first place.
Because that woman at the coffee shop? She already knows. Just like you do. Just like I did.
Truth never hides. It just waits for us to stop making excuses for it.
xo,
P.S. If anything you’ve read resonates, I have something for you.
Join me for a free masterclass on January 23rd: Why Do I Keep Doing This? Understanding Your Relationship Patterns.
We are going to talk about why knowing your patterns isn’t enough. What you really want to know is how to change them. Space is limited. Save your spot!
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