The thought of being independent in a relationship is something that comes up for my single and partnered clients. The thought of forgoing their independence, giving up their autonomy, and losing their identity causes a lot of anxiety.
Some have been conditioned to believe that being in a relationship means the end of personal freedom and the need to share every aspect of themselves.
And while this type of “togetherness” works for some, for others, it can be suffocating and, in some cases, even lead to resentment.
What does being independent in a relationship mean?
By definition, independence means: “Free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority.”
Notice that the definition does not mention the word separate. Yet, for some reason, people think being independent in a relationship means separating oneself from everybody else.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
We can be independent within a relationship. This means that while we are part of a couple, we still retain our individual wants, needs, and desires; we have autonomy over our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and keep ourselves open to growth and change.
Independence doesn’t mean separation. Instead, it’s about being true to ourselves and allowing our partner the same freedom. This mutual respect can help foster a more connected, intimate relationship.
Photo by Patrick Schneider on Unsplash
You Cannot Be Independent Without Being Interdependent
Humans are social creatures. We are not meant to exist without one another.
It took me a very long time to embrace the idea of interdependence. Over the years, I had grown to think that depending on another person was not only a sign of weakness but also the perfect set-up for disappointment.
There have been a series of events in my life that have forced me to rely on others. It was painful at first. But I eventually recognized what an honor it is for someone to willingly assist me, especially when the going gets tough (as it often does).
The key to navigating this tricky balance is understanding that interdependence is liberating. You and your partner can rely on each other while maintaining independence. In the same way, the land relies on the ocean, and the moon depends on the sun.
Being interdependent gives you a sense of purpose in the relationship – to be there for one another while respecting each other’s individual needs.
It means having healthy boundaries – setting aside time for yourself, engaging in activities that make you feel good, and being honest about what you need from your partner (and vice versa).
But it doesn’t mean giving up control —you have equity in the relationship —you both do.
Maintaining Your Sense of Self
Connection is a vital component in healthy relationships. When each partner feels supported and respected, it creates a sense of trust. This kind of mutual understanding fortifies relationships, making navigating difficult emotions and challenging conversations easier.
But, to maintain that closeness, you must stay true to yourself. This means having the courage to pursue your passions, even if when it’s something your partner is not interested in.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the idea of maintaining independence in your relationship, remember that it’s not about having control over each other – it’s about understanding and respecting each other’s autonomy.
Remember, relationships are not a prison – they should help you become more of yourself, not less.
Photo by Jarritos Mexican Soda on Unsplash
Hobbies, Interests, and Friends Outside of the Relationship
It’s natural (and healthy) to do shared activities with your partner. Perhaps you’re in the same bowling league or have regular get-togethers with your “couple friends.”
At the same time, it’s essential to have activities and interests outside of your relationship. Whether it’s a passion for playing guitar, marathon running, or volunteering with a charity group —having outlets that are exclusively yours can help you maintain your sense of self.
And it’s also okay to have non-shared friends, not to be confused with secret friends. Non-shared friends are people your partner knows, but they don’t necessarily have to spend time with you two as a couple.
There is more to life than your relationship; while your partner is a big part of your life, they aren’t your entire life.
Being independent within a romantic relationship doesn’t have to mean disconnection from your longtime friend group or surrendering the things that bring joy to your life outside of the relationship. Instead, it’s about understanding that you and your partner are two separate people who relationship together.
Handling Ups and Downs Without Losing Yourself
It’s a well-known fact that relationships bring up your sh*t. They say, “we marry our unfinished business,” which is why it’s so important to know how to handle the occasional ups and downs that come your way without losing yourself in the process.
Learning to set clear boundaries and communicate openly can help you express your feelings while retaining a healthy sense of individuality.
It’s all too easy to fall into codependency; even the strongest relationships can sometimes feel oppressive. That’s why it is essential to be mindful of your own needs and passions and to still engage in activities that nourish your spirit.
Interdependence Allows You to Be Separate Together
My partner and I spend half the week together and the other half apart. Naturally, this is easier to navigate because we don’t live together, but we still honor and respect each other’s need for space.
The time we spend together allows us to make memories, explore new places, and grow together, while the time we spend apart allows us to continue to nurture our individual journeys.
Though it isn’t easy, maintaining a sense of independence helps ensure that our relationship is based on genuine love and understanding —rather than just convenience or obligation.
Being independent in a relationship is about taking good care of yourself, for your partner, and all the other people in your community. When we care for ourselves, we can truly show up for the people who matter most in our lives. That’s when relationships become less about ownership and more about mutual respect, understanding, and growth.
So embrace your autonomy… and nurture your relationship too.
“ Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being.” – Mahatma Gandhi
