One of the most important ingredients for delicious sex is not what you think it is.
It’s not about ambiance and lingerie.
It is not penis size or vaginal tightness.
It has nothing to do with whether it is sacred or not.
One of the most important components for sex to be satisfying and fulfilling is safety. And I am not taking about prophylactics and birth control.
I’m talking about feeling physically and emotionally safe & secure with your partner.
You can feel sexually and emotionally confident… but that does not mean that you feel safe.
As a woman, your safety/security is often enmeshed in your societal conditioning. Your partner’s financial stability, social status, familial relationships, children (how many they have/want), and a slew of other ideas and perceptions that have been embedded into your psyche.
Your perception of these things will shape how you show up in the bedroom… or not. Because, as a woman, your body is designed to receive. And receiving requires surrender.
But it is difficult to open yourself up and surrender if you do not feel safe. Safe about whether your emotional needs will be tended. Whether your feelings will be regarded. Whether this person will be able to care for you (in whatever way that looks) in the long run.
Whether he/she is generous, with their time, money, and love. His/her attitude towards life, politics, spirituality, and creativity. And more importantly, how much (or how little) you can trust one another. <— Keeping in mind that these things change over time too. What might be true today, may or may not be true 10 yrs from now.
You might tell yourself the story that tangible things do not matter, and that it is what’s inside that is important. And that maybe true… but it also might be a story that you are telling yourself out of fear of being alone. But your body will tell the tale. It is essential that you be honest with yourself about what is truly important to you, without judgement. Your truth is your truth – own it.
Casual sex is casual. But if you sleep with someone long enough, it is no longer casual… and safety/security will be factored into the equation. And you can only feel secure, when your needs are met.
So I invite you to ponder…
What are your basic security needs?
The image above is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. And as you can see this hierarchy corresponds to the chakra system… coincidence? Nah 😉
Remember, what happens outside of the bedroom matters just as much, if not more, as what happens inside. Make getting clear about what you want and need… a top priority.
And if you are already in a relationship, revisit your security needs often. Check in to see where you are. Communicate your truth to your partner. Reevaluate your understandings, commitments, and your partners security needs as well.
Your needs will change, because you will change. Keep your finger on the pulse of your own truth… always + forever. ❤️