Long Story Short #6 – he’s marrying someone else

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advice column marrying someone else

Dear Stacey,

The man I am seeing has a girlfriend. They’ve been together for a long time and he was clear about the fact that he was not leaving her. We started off as friends because we work together, and became intimate a little over a year ago. But now I’m in love with him, and I know he cares about me very much too. 

Before we started sleeping together I knew that marriage was what they were working toward, but after all this time I thought that was in the past. I was shocked when he recently told me of his plans to get married in the fall. The timing confuses me because things seemed to be going very well with us. Not that I expected him to marry me instead, but I guess I thought we would end up together.  

I am a 37 yr. old, single woman with no children. And I am in love with a man that intends to marry someone else. I love him so much that I cannot imagine not having him in my life in some capacity. I recently stopped taking my birth control pills because I was having some side effects. I talked about that with him and he started talking about how beautiful our kids would be. I have no idea why he would say those things knowing that he plans on marrying her.

I guess my question is simple. Do I follow my heart and continue seeing the man that I love, even if he plans on spending his life with someone else?

– Why not me?

Dear Why not me,

The short answer to your question is no, but not for the reasons you may think. 

Your dilemma is not about morals and ethics. This is not at all about the fact that you are having a relationship with a man that you have always known was with someone else. Your quandary is not about him at all and it’s not about her either. This is all about you. 

If you followed your heart, you would walk away. Not because he’s going to get married, but because your heart is aching to be free. Free to love and be loved in the light of day. You want the kind of love that doesn’t have to hide. You want to be in a relationship, even more than that you want to get married and have beautiful kids. And you want that with someone who is going to be in it with you.  

This experience has gifted you with an opportunity to love deeply. You now know things about yourself that you were not privy to before now. But your time together has been limited from the start. You were aware of his status and he appeared to be honest about his intention to marry his girlfriend.  

Summer is here and it won’t be long before he’s walking down the aisle in the fall. You get to decide if you want to continue to see him in the meantime, but I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s not good for you. 

Moving on is the only viable option, but I suspect you already knew that. It will be a little awkward at first because you work together, but you will be better than fine. You need to set clear boundaries, for him and for you. So that you can get on with the business of living your life. And opening yourself to the kind of love that you desire and deserve. 

All the best to you.





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