Long Story Short #3 – Masturbating is Easier

No Comment

masturbating is easier

Dear Stacey,

I am a 37 yr old married woman. My husband and I have been together for 12 years (married for 7). We are parents to a beautiful 5-year-old daughter. 

We both do work that we love. I am growing an online business and my husband is a plumber. He and his partner opened their own outfit a little over 2 years ago. They have been getting some pretty good corporate contracts. The business is expanding much faster than they ever imagined. It feels good to see my husband excited about his work and enjoying his success. 

For the most part, life is good. But… of course there is a but! Our sex life is almost nonexistent and it’s not because I am not interested. He’s the one who hardly ever wants to do it! We had a ton of sex at the beginning of our relationship. Things slowed down a bit once we started living together, but nothing major. Our sex life didn’t even take a nosedive after our daughter was born. But the last 3 years it’s gotten really sporadic.  

At first, I thought it was the stress of growing his business. Bidding for contracts and keeping all the balls in the air can be a lot, I get that. But I recently discovered that he’s been masturbating, regularly. So it’s not that he isn’t interested in sex… it seems that he isn’t interested in having sex with me.  

I admit that I have gained some weight over the years, but so has he. I mean I am not super heavy, but I am thicker than I used to be. I take good care of myself though. I exercise a couple of times a week and I don’t eat trash, at least not all the time. He often tells me that he likes my bubble butt and the fullness of my breasts, so I don’t think it’s my weight. 

I have tried to talk to him about it, but he just says he’s tired and that he still finds me attractive. But if he’s so tired why is he whacking off all the time?  

I don’t know. I guess my real fear is if we aren’t having sex how long will it be before the rest of our relationship begins to unravel? 

Do you have any suggestions of things I could say or do to reconnect with him sexually? 

signed,

Undesirable 


Dear Undesirable,

After reading your letter multiple times I realize there are two different issues converging to create your current reality. So I will start by addressing the issue that feels most pressing to you, your sex life.

Not long ago, I had an interesting conversation with a man at a Meet-up. He was intrigued by the fact that I spend so much of my time talking about vaginas (of course!). He was eager to hear what I would say to a woman whose husband didn’t want to do “it” as much as she did. It wasn’t hard to figure out that he was the “hypothetical” husband in this scenario. 

Like your husband he was a small business owner with a full plate. He loved his wife and kids and he wanted to give them the best possible life. So he worked hard, burning the candle at both ends on most days. And while he and his wife were not having much sex, his sex drive was still alive and kicking. 

He was feeling enormous pressure at work, which was both scary and exciting. He often found himself strangely aroused by the tension of getting it all done. And while his wife made it clear that she wanted to have more sex, he avoided sex as much as possible; although he was masturbating daily. 

When I asked him why he was masturbating instead of having sex he answered without skipping a beat. “Because it’s easier,” he said. 

Because it’s easier…. 

This loving husband and father of two was choosing the path of least resistance. With all the moving parts in his life, he made an unconsciously conscious decision to scale down on his energy expenditure. And their sex life was on the chopping block. He’d decided that coming home, taking a shower, waiting for the kids to go to sleep, foreplay, sex, and pillow talk was a lot to do after a long day at work. Masturbating was easier. 

Seems too simple, right? I agree, and yes there is more to this story.

In this scenario, easy was just his knee-jerk response, but there was another larger issue at play here. Sex with his wife felt like a performance, whereas sex with himself didn’t. When he masturbated he didn’t have to worry about cumming too quickly. With himself, there was no judgment around his stroke or going too fast. Sex all by his lonesome was quick, easy, and there was no measuring stick to live up to. 

Long story short, I believe your husband may be a lot like the Meet-up guy. So I am going to tell you what I told him… take the finish line out of the equation. 

When sex becomes goal-less it goes from good to delicious. Your sexuality is about more than bumping genitals for the purpose of orgasm or baby making.  Your entire body is wired for sensation. Sex with your husband can be delectable without penetration. 

What if you introduced the concept of deeper intimacy into your marriage instead of trying to recreate the sex life you had once upon a time?

It could look like taking a shower together, one lathering the other. Lingering on erogenous zones. A long deep kiss under the shower head. Nipples brushing, hips swaying, breath catching… bodies wrapped in the other’s skin. <— This is sex too. Even without penetration and climax, arousal and intimacy is sex of the rapturous variety. 

Take away the finish line and the cultural design. Focus your energy on touching one another in non-sexual ways in and out of the bedroom. Make time for open-mouth “I still think you’re super hot” kisses at least once a week. And make eye contact, the lingering gaze kind. Changing the landscape of how you relate to one another with intentional intimacy will take your relationship to new heights. 

Now I want to talk about what you didn’t address directly… you. Your own tank needs some filling. It’s time to amp up your self-love sister friend! Your desire to be desired is telling the secret that you’ve been hiding from yourself. You struggle to believe that you are good enough.  And that belief is the petrol that is fueling this experience for you. 

There’s a part of you that cannot believe that you have this amazing life, with a husband that loves you and your bubble butt. You have been waiting for the shoe to drop for a long time. And for you, a sexless marriage means the shoe has finally made its descent.

But none of that is true. You are more than enough. You are deserving and worthy of your amazing life. You can have the business that you love, the picket fence, and a husband that adores you.

It’s time to make peace with yourself and your body. I know everything about you looks and feels different than before. And sometimes it’s hard to accept the newest version of your former self. But is possible to love yourself into looking and feeling amazing. Diet and exercise is only one part of taking care of you, but the most important part is what you choose to see. Until you can see your own beauty, inside and out, you will never believe that your husband sees the beauty in you.  

Loving yourself is for you, but it’s also for your daughter. Modeling what it looks like to be a woman of a certain age that loves herself, will impact your daughter’s future in ways you cannot imagine. The more you love you, the more harmony you will see and feel in your home, with your husband, and in the world. 

Feeling desirable begins when you desire yourself. If you want to bring sexy back to your relationship, feel into your own sexy! Check out this article for 5 body love and self-confidence tips. I also recommend that you read LiYana Silver’s new book, Feminine Genius. Which is a goldmine for any woman who is ready to “turn on the wisdom of being a woman.” 

I know I just glazed over the self-love piece. Not because it’s unimportant, but because the path to loving yourself is about readiness. Loving yourself has to be a choice you make, not an agenda that is pushed by self-help types like myself. For maximum results, you gotta want it for you. 

The one thing that will always be true, no matter the scenario or circumstance, it must begin with you. You will always be the change that you seek. Everything else is a mere reflection. 

xo,

 

 

 

***

Going through something? Wanna know what I think?

Click here to share your story. By sharing your story you are agreeing to this terms statement

*this post may contain affiliate links, you can read my affiliate policy here.

Related Posts
Long Story Short #2 – beating dead horses ( 2 Jun,2017 )
LSS #11 – My boyfriend doesn’t like my son ( 30 Aug,2017 )
Long Story Short #8 – 5 mins of foreplay doesn’t get me wet ( 27 Jun,2017 )

Leave a Reply