LSS #10 – I resent my partner for being so f*cking great

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advice column

Dear Stacey,

I am currently in a committed relationship but I am having an itch for something else. It’s not that I don’t love my partner, but I just feel like I’m not this person anymore. Right now being in an exclusive relationship feels stifling and it’s making me irritable. Lately, I have been snippy and hard to be around, which I know is unfair to my partner.

But how do you break up with someone you love when there is no real problem? I mean we get along fantastically well when I’m not being an asshole. We have a lot in common and our morals/ethics are aligned. On paper, we look great together, but I can’t seem to make this feeling of wanting something else go away.

I can’t help thinking that it’s just a phase and I just need to sit the fuck down. I am so not interested in messing up one of the best relationships I have ever had just because I am feeling a little antsy. I mean at the end of the day companionship is what I want the most and I have that. But there is a part of me that resents my partner for being so fucking great because otherwise, I would have left a long time ago. 

So stay with what I know or leave for who knows what?

-Unsettled


Dear Unsettled,

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to admit this kind of truth to yourself. To be honest enough to say “I want something else,” is an act of bravery. And for that I commend you. 

I recognize that this admission is not without conflict. It feels completely unnatural to want something different, especially when what you have feels so right. But since you have arrived at the place of “… there is a part of me that resents my partner for being so fucking great,” I say it’s high time to shit or get off the pot. 

But here’s the good news, staying or leaving are not the only options here. There is a third option that might be viable, but it is going to take even more courage to entertain it. 

What would happen if you told your partner how you were feeling? I’m talking no-holds-barred-transparency. Putting it all out on the table without worrying how your partner is going to receive your truth. But rather than choosing to stay or go, instead requesting to pause the relationship for a span of time. Perhaps you need 3-6 months to source your dis-ease.  

Of course, your partner might not go for it, but you won’t know unless you try. Sometimes you need to go on a pilgrimage to discover what you want. Sometimes you need to step outside of your current life to see what’s possible. Sometimes you need to zoom out to gain perspective. 

Who knows you might discover that you already have everything you ever wanted. Or you could find that you want something different. You won’t know until you know. But you have nothing to lose from putting it all on the table with your partner and offering the gift of choice. And of course, you must be willing to accept whatever your partner chooses

This conversation will be uncomfortable for both of you. But if you love your partner you gotta tell the truth. 

Self-discovery is a rocky path. Welcome. 

xo,

 

 

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